On which date do you have sex with a new guy?

Having spent most of my life dating women, I'm pretty surprised by how different this is when dating guys.

With girls, there is kind of a preconceived notion that if a girl sleeps with you on the first date, she isn't relationship material. This may be antiquated and many people might not abide by this, but this does seem to be the general mentality. Boys will of course sleep with a girl on the first date if she is willing, but then they will discount her potential and wonder how many other guys she has done that with. Girls know that this is the mentality and delay things a bit.

I think that there is an advantage to waiting. We live in an instant gratification society. It is nice to actually get to know someone so that you can feel comfortable with them and be invested in the experience. I also think that having sex with someone makes you think that you know them better than you actually do. It can lead to a false sense of intimacy.

All of that said, it seems like the norm for gay dating is to sleep with someone on the first or second date if you are ever going to sleep with them at all. Maybe not full on intercourse, but at least a hand job. The guys that I've really liked but tried to delay sleeping with (because I really liked them...) seemed to dismiss me and cite a lack of chemistry. I wanted to resist this but I've since come to the conclusion that this is just kind of how it is. My gay friends say that it is basically the norm.

Given that you haven't had enough time to impress the person via your personality and other compelling attributes, I sometimes feel like the first time I have sex with a guy is a bit of a performance. If I like him and want him to keep going out with me, I have to really show him a good time. In general, I feel like I am so focused on pleasing the other guy that I don't even worry about having a good time my self.

It becomes too much like a performance. I'll go a couple of days without jacking off so I can bust out some massive load. I have strong hands and good touch so I'll flip him over and show off my massage skills. I'm always the first one to suck off the other guy and rarely ever get sucked on the first date. I usually dictate what happens as it seems most guys in Seattle are pretty passive sexually and looking for someone to take charge.

It will frequently take me a day or two to even come to an opinion about the guy. It's usually the third date or longer when I start to relax and enjoy the other person enough to really have fun with having sex with them (or realize that I'm not really interested in this person).

In some ways, I guess gay dating is more progressive in that it acknowleges that sexual compatibility is important and puts it on the table upfront just like all of the other traits that you are using to evaluate a person. However, just like everything else in dating, I don't think you get an accurate view of what things will really be like with someone once the initial lust period calms down. For me at least, it is also more fun to have more invested in the person I am having sex with.

I guess all of this stuff is on my mind since I started dating someone recently and had sex with him on the first date and then had a long, romantic second date and didn't have sex at the end. It made me stop and think about this stuff a lot more. I had actually been upset about not having sex on the second date since we had on the first date. I have since found out that he was pretty sick and toughed it out since he wanted to go on the second date with me but was tired after the marathon second date. It made me think about my expecations and thoughts about all of this.

Where do you meet date worthy guys?

I wanted to toss this out there since I'm still pretty clueless about this. It would be nice to hear specifics from people in the Seattle area, but general suggestions are nice too. I've been dating guys for eight months now. Pretty much everyone I have gone out with have been guys that I've met online.

I live in a house in a neighborhood. Seattle has an area called Capitol Hill which is the gayest part of town, but it is a relatively integrated community so gay guys are all over. I joined a gay sports league and have become involved in a gay community group. I view both of these things as planting seeds that will pay off on the long run. My goal with them also isn't to make sure that I have a date every weekend.

Any other suggestions? Just general ideas would be great. Any fun gay social outings that people can share?

As for online, I've tried gay.com, Manhunt, Craigslist, Connexion, and match.com. Manhunt seems to be just for sexual hookups. Gay.com seems to not know whether it is a dating or hookup site. Match.com is obviously more of a dating site and seems to get higher quality profiles, but there just aren't many guys on it and it neglects gay basics such as HIV status. I've actually had the best luck scanning craigslist just searching for the occasional normal post in the sea of cocks, balls, and asses. Connexion is kind of neat, but there just aren't that many guys on it and it doesn't seem very active.

I actually think that the market for relationship oriented gay dating is left largely ignored. I think that there is a good business opportunity that is untapped.

I've done the gay bar / club thing twice. Once was when I was dating a guy over the summer and I went with him and a group of friends. We went to R Place which is a young hipster place. I had fun but I was just there dancing with my friends and being stupid.

A couple of weeks ago I went with a group of gay friends and went to Purr, Neighbors, and the Cuff. Purr was mainly just a bar with surprisingly attractive guys sitting around and ignoring each other. Neighbors seemed like the cliche idea of what straight people think a gay dance club would be like. The Cuff seemed like a place where desperate, older, unattractive people go to get laid. I found that going clubbing is sort of boring when you are single, not much of a drinker, and not looking to go home with someone.

In the meantime, I've been mostly focusing on expanding my circle of gay friends. It's grown from one to six over the last year. I've had much more success with that than dating and it has proven more rewarding. I realized one potentially troubling thing is that I am more picky and have a higher bar for friends than I would for dating. I suppose that would probably mean that I'm too focused on appearance as far as dating goes. Ugh...

Christmas Fling

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Oh my god

I just noticed that I got linked to from The Great Cock Hunt. I've been reading his blog for years. I have been lazy and haven't updated this blog for a while. I kind of assumed that nobody was reading it so I didn't put much energy in. It got me excited to blog more. I was shocked when I logged in and had actual email from Alex. I almost felt star struck :)